Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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