Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize