stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
