dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
