I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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