he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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