ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
