i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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