And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
this will be a night to untag.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
