Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Ladies don't puke and tell
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize