Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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