Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
MIDGETS
????
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize