just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
