My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
only you would photoshop your dick
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize