I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
