How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
