You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
