im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
