Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
