no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
