if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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