dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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