my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
