I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
