Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
