I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
