I think I died a long time ago.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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