Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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