What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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