i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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