matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
