Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
