It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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