You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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