yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize