Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
