I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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