She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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