Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize