dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
