You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We don't watch enough power rangers
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
