he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
