He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
