All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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