It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
