take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
