My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
