just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
