The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Still dying that you shit outside
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
