Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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