So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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