I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
