Whatcha textin bout Willis?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
