He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
