One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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