We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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