What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
