why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
