he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
