im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
