You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
