I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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