Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
