Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sext me about skeletons
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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