he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
