return my video game
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
