mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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