Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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