1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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