Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
