My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
