Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
