Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The best revenge is premature balding
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
