NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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