Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
